Here we are at the beginning of a new year. You probably didn’t get what you really wanted for Christmas, and you’re dreading that some candidates have already started running for President – – even though the election is still 2 years away!
As we watch these candidates, we see them scrambling to issue position papers on what they believe to be the major issues of our time: abortion, taxes, and whether men who carry umbrellas look like sissies. When, though, will our politicians address the real issues of the 21st Century – – computer issues. Do they think we will sit starring blindly into our new 17 inch monitors and not recognize that our issues are being ignored by all of the major political parties? THIS CRIME SHALL NOT GO UNPUNISHED! I say its time for Geeks all across the fruited plain to unite and stand up for the Intel-given rights we all deserve. We should announce to the world via e-mail: “I’m as mad as a Microsoft Technician and I’m not going to take it anymore!” Fellow Americans, let this be our battle cry. Let the word go forth from this time and place, that we hereby demand recognition and acceptance of the following rights:
1. LET IT BE RESOLVED THAT COMPUTERS MUST WORK RELIABLY.
How often does your computer crash…monthly, weekly, daily? Have you ever stopped to wonder why we put up with unreliable computers but we won’t settle for anything less than perfection for all of the other stuff we have? Think about it, if you have a rattle coming from the front left section of your car, you would take it back to the dealer 50 times if necessary to get rid of that rattle. But if your computer crashes more often than a drunk on the Autobahn, you say “Oh well, that’s just the way computers are.” Why do we do this? There is no reason we should accept looking at the “blue screen of death” (Windows General Fault Warning) any more than we accept any other faulty equipment.
A recent survey of 6,000 PC users showed they wasted an average of 5.1 hours per week with computer hassles. This amounts to over 265 wasted hours per year for every computer user. If you assume that there are at least 100 million computer users in America, this amounts to over 26.5 Billion hours per year that are wasted on computer hassles. (My computer almost crashed while doing the multiplication!)
If your car worked like your computer…Occasionally, and for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
If your car worked like your computer. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
If your car worked like your computer…You’d press the “start” button to shut off the engine.
No, we don’t put up with defective products in other areas of our lives, and we shouldn’t put up with defective hardware or software either. If computers are such a critical part of our lives, we should expect greater reliability, not less.
2. FROM THIS DAY FORTH, ALL COMPUTERS WILL BE CALLED “STATE OF THE ART” FOR AT LEAST 6 MONTHS AFTER THE DATE OF PURCHASE.
As a man who is follically-challenged (that means BALD), there isn’t much in this world that makes me want to pull out what little hair I have left. Computer obsolescence, though, is one of them.
A while back my motherboard melted, but thankfully is was still under warranty. Much to my surprise, the company no longer made a 750 megahertz motherboard, so they replaced it with a 1.2 gigahertz board. “1.2 gigahertz” I thought, “This is really fast…I could use this to power the network for the New York Stock Exchange.” My delight, though, was truly short lived. I started to ask around about the speed of most new computers, and some pimply-faced geek told me “even my grandpa has a 2 gigahertz processor – – why don’t you get a real machine!”
When I buy a new car, I expect EVERYONE to know I have a new car for a little while – – at least until I make the first payment. With computers, we’re told our machines are nothing more than door stops or boat anchors before we’re finished filling out the online registration for Windows XP! This must change before I completely run out of hair.
3. IT IS HEREBY RESOLVED THAT SOFTWARE COMPANIES SHALL BE PROHIBITED FROM RELEASING AN UPDATE TO THEIR PROGRAMS UNTIL SOMETHING THAT’S ACTUALLY USEFUL IS ADDED.
I can’t tell you many times I’ve blown money on a software update that didn’t do a darned thing. It becomes a compulsion to have the latest version of a software package even if the changes are only cosmetic. Worse – – why should I buy an upgrade that only contains bug fixes – – shouldn’t they give me the updates for free? If I buy a new car and it only has 3 tires, I guarantee you that I’m going to yell and scream until they give me the 4th tire.
Why is it, then, that I will rush out to buy an upgrade that has nothing more than a bug-free code that should have been in the first version to begin with?
Speaking of empty promises, vapor-ware is almost as bad. You know vapor-ware..software that comes from companies that promise “Bells and Whistles version 2 will be out next month and will solve every problem you’ve ever had.” However, 6 months later, the company’s only promise is that they are “working on getting the software to market”. All you have is vapor.
If I could be President for a day, my first objective would be to eliminate contradictory phrases like “legal assistance” or “Microsoft Works”. My second objective, though, would be to shepherd through Congress The Computer Users’ Bill of Rights. If you have some more suggestions for the bill of rights, please let know. If you would like to donate to my Presidential Campaign Fund, please call my accountant.
Brad Young is an attorney with the St. Louis Missouri and Belleville Illinois law firm of Roberts, Perryman, Bomkamp & Meives P.C., where he concentrates on computer law, contract matters, and general litigation. He is a member of the Computer and Technology Committees and the Internet Committees of the Missouri and Illinois Bar Associations, and can be reached by e-mail at jbradyoung@yahoo.com.